A stronger year

Things aren't exactly fine at the moment. Crisis after crisis seems to spring up and swamp me like unseen waves but yet I stand strong. A self made monolith now hardened by the battering he's taken over the years. I never realized I was this strong. I never realized I can take this much drama and still hold strong in my convictions. I will survive to make another entry hopefully with good news.

All or nothing

A New Year and the promise of a New me – musings on life, trying to conceive, muscle gain and anything else I can think of as I embark on my latest journey. My eating has always been emotion-driven and my physical fitness has always failed due to my thinking. I can do well for a while, but as soon as I slip just a bit, I fall into the ‘All or Nothing’ trap.

I've been average weight since I was a child but loosen weight dramatically in lower secondary school. My mom would reward my good grades with McDs. Then she'd told me I needed to gain more extra pounds. Food has always been my constant companion, one that has loved me as much as I loved it. Food has always equaled love and acceptance, marked celebrations and sorrow. Still, how couldn’t I gain any possible weight?!

I’m a hard gainer (with high metabolism), and I’d hid behind my weight for many years...then one day, I blossomed. My buddy asked if I was interested to go for a swimming lesson – and I did! We rushed for the lesson almost every evening and I had no time to worry and wallow in my pity and self-doubt. Finally I become fitter before I really have the courage to go a step further –sign up as a member in a gym centre!

So now here I am –all 65kg of me (though my main target is approximately 70kg). It's time for me to regain power over my own life, especially for brand new year 2007.

Another brand-new year

Its now 2007. 2006 wasn't the worst of years, but it wasn't my best either. That's nothing new though. I could always give up the struggle and go on meds like the majority of my family. Somehow I doubt that would make anything better though. Life has never been that easy for me and I doubt it will begin now.

There's always that saying that if you didn't have the experiences you did, you wouldn't be the person you are now. I don't think I really care though. Even at the expense of changing everything and everyone I know now I think I'd take the opportunity to go back and live life differently, have other experiences than what I did have.

I hope that this year will go better, that there will be more exciting experiences filled with various things and with people that really understand me, that don't forget me, and that don't mind taking a little bit of time out of their lives for me once in awhile. I won't hold my breath but stranger things have happened.

I'm sure a more upbeat and cheerful entry will follow at some point. Until then life sucks, I don't have what I wish or what I need, and the amount of people that really understand me and care about me is extremely small and out of those people, the amount of those people that are actually nearby is even smaller. Happy Chinese New Year indeed.

Do I believe in fate?

Do I believe in fate?

Well, it sort of depends on how you are defining it, but essentially, yes.

I believe that things in the future are fairly predetermined, but not sure much of fate as a force which is causing them to happen as they do.

My thinking starts first with those who are close to me. I know them well enough to have a very good idea how they will react in certain situations.

But when you really think about it, how much do I really know them and what truly makes them tick inside? Probably a whole lot less than I would like to admit.

So if I can predict their responses with as little as I know about them, imagine if I were able to know everything about them. If I could read their minds, and had been around them since forever? (While I'm playing hypothetical, I also have a perfect memory and remember everything!)

I would think I would be able to predict about anything about their actions in a given situation. Even on decisions that they are really unsure of and bounce back and forth before ultimately deciding. It not so much that I know the future, it's that I know them so well.

Now continue imaginging that I know this about everyone. I would then be able to know how they are going to interact, to know what one is going to do and what the other is going to do about it.

Imagining I also know each object in the world just as well. I know this evaporation is going to cause this cloud, and this wind will turn it into this storm which will go this direction and hit this area and effect this person in this way. Even weathermen can try to do this to some extent, even as limited knowledge as they really have when it comes down to it. Imagine knowing anything you needed to know EXACTLY what would happen though.

So, I know how each person is going to react when the storm hit. When each person is going to decide to evacuate, and which people won't be able to get out. I know the weaknesses of each location, so I know what damage each will have. I know the weaknesses in each person's body and their choices the will make to know who will not survive.

And such the future progresses.

So, to me, it's not so much that there is a power named fate that controls things. It's that things that seem unpredictable with limited knowledge are not truely unpredictable. The knowledge to predict them is just not something that is able to be humanly possessed.

Do we have free choice? Yes. We still make the choices that make life progress. But, if someone knows us literally much better than we know ourselves, the seemingly random choice is no surprise. It's not that we were forced by fate to make it.

words unspoken

I have lived a life with many secrets. I have always been afraid of the truth behind me. UEVIN introduced me to my 1st blog-site and I found several people that have also lived their lives in a 'fantasy'.

What makes me tick? What causes my behavior? These are unanswered questions at this time. I need a way to get this all out of my mind. A way to become a whole person without the lies. I guess I should say that I need to get rid of the guilt that I carry along everyday.

hush-hush

Through all the bad and hurt in my life, I try to think positive. It is so hard to do. Sometimes I feel that my mind is being pulled in multiple directions.

I regret a lot of things that I have done and a lot of the things that life has dealt me. But for some reason, I feel that there is a purpose for everything in life. Though we may not know exactly why or what the reason is for things to happen as they happen, they do serve some purpose in our lives.